I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
