I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
