Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
