Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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