I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
