i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
