I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
