My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
