I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
