The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
