In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh god it's open bar.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
