Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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