Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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