He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
