This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She's not a foreskin expert like you
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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