I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
