Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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