I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
