I want to have your abortion
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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