I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
