i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
