My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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