she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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