Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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