I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
