You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
