did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
