I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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