Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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