i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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