someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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