Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
