I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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