I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
