Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
