Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
