checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
50% drunk capacity currently
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
did i just pee glitter
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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