I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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