Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
