wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
