he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
