How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
smell my finger.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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