I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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