I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
