I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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