did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
