omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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