Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
