I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
