8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
