great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We left the knife in your bed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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