you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
