I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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