Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I will be naked everywhere
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
